The second pillar in emotional intelligence is self-management. When I hear that term, I think it means “can you keep it together?” or “how emotionally mature are you”? And, that’s actually what it does mean in some regard. I always like to look at the true definition of what I am discussing with you each week. The exact definition of self-management is the “management of or by oneself; the taking of responsibility for one’s own behavior and well-being.” But, we are diving a bit deeper here and looking at self-management in regards to emotional intelligence.
There are a few components when exploring self-management that I’d like for you to think about, especially regarding emotional intelligence. The first in my opinion is the ability of emotional self-control and how well do you control your feelings and/or expressing them in an appropriate way. That is really the key skill, especially when applying it to leadership. For instance, have you ever worked for someone who literally flies off the handle about everything? That individual lacks self-management (and also, is not self-aware; which is why being self-aware is the first pillar). That individual is absolutely clueless about his or her shortcomings about their temper, but in addition, he or she has the ability to control his/her emotions.
As a leader, it is imperative that you know how to express your emotions in an appropriate way. I often share with all of you that I have made a lot of mistakes as a leader. You will too (or you already have) and you should and you should not be afraid to. Self-management and the emotional component are areas where mistakes will be made. It is inevitable. I remember several times when I lost my cool because I had a temper to be reckoned with in my twenties. When I was first starting out, I had an assistant manager that was late constantly. I will tell you that he will be late to his own funeral one day. I completely lost it on him one day. I was young and he was older than me but not by much. We were even friends which was somewhat of the problem. I will never forget his eyes staring back at me in shock. I screamed at him that I was tired and burnt out and all I asked is that he showed up on time. I could tell he felt terrible. I instantly felt worse, but why?
I felt worse because I was emotionally immature as a leader and there was a lack of self-management. If there is no self-management, how can you effectively manage others? I had completely lost touch with how upset these things happening within my environment were making me and I lashed out in the wrong way, in the wrong setting and at the wrong time. I made a mistake. I learned. I got better at it. Emotional self-control is the most challenging aspect hands down within self-management though because you will be challenged your whole life as a leader with it. You get better at it with time and a whole lot of patience.
Other aspects of self-management are key as well. You must learn how to set your goals and be able to effectively and realistically work towards them. When I first began in leadership, I did not have a clue what my goals were except I wanted to make money and travel. I remember staring out of the store window and thinking to myself “I want to get the hell out of these four walls and see the world and make money doing it.” Well ladies, and some of the gentlemen that read this, be careful what you wish for because the universe listens. I set my goals and worked hard, and it happened. I was so busy leading; I failed to realize I was already a leader and learning how to set those goals for myself. No one is going to make those goals for you and then, achieve them, let alone hand the results to you. That is entirely on you so if you are not goal oriented then you will struggle with self-management. Because at the end of the day, you truly must be self-motivated and take initiative to succeed with self-management, as a leader and in life as well.
In my opinion, a good “self-manager” as I like to call it has these characteristics: self-motivated, transparent/honest, trustworthy, adaptably, resilient, and optimistic (hope for the best, prepare for the worst). Why? Well, I could probably write a few blog posts on this topic because this pillar is important for leaders. After becoming self-aware, you are then able to tone your skills and put them in action with these characteristics. In my opinion, self-management is the self-action that occurs for emotional intelligence.
For example, I had to make a tough decision when I lost my brother as a leader. I had to reach into my self-awareness but truly, it was my self-management that pushed the actions. I was not able to control my feelings or emotions in a way that was professional. I would go to work and shut the door and stare at a wall. I could not even tell you to this day what I wore to work. I did not wear a stitch of make-up. I know there were days I did not shower. I was not capable of self-management because I was not being honest with those around me either about how bad the pain was and I was unable to adapt to this new normal. And was I optimistic about anything? You have to be kidding me. Absolutely not. I thought the world had ended. That’s when I finally fell back to myself awareness and resigned from a job at thirty years old that I had worked my ass off to get. But, I knew that I was being a better leader for it, because I was being honest, transparent, and in control of my emotions for the first time in weeks. That is self-management.
